NEW HEADER!!!!!

I have to say thank you to Julie for making me a wonderful blog header. I am not sure what Porkchop and I would do without her. Thank you Jewels.

An Ode To Sporks

Today I had an appointment with my E.N.T. specialist (which is not what I am writing about) and on our way home we stopped at Taco Bell.

Well while we were there Porkchop asked me to get a fork, spoon, and a knife. Well I searched and searched for a fork but couldn't find one, all I saw was spoons. Well afterI picked up the spoon I realized that it was a Spork.

For the short five seconds that I looked at it I wanted to cry for the poor little thing. This wonderful utensil is the offspring from an incest encounter of the fork and spoon. A bastard child if you will, or a degenerate of the family so to speak.

How often do you hear people giving praise to this forgotten lost soul. I must write a letter of thanks to Taco Bell for keeping this species alive and striving. I am sure that when you think really hard about this poor mutated child and look deep in your heart, you too will want to cry. For this being has been picked on and made fun of ever since its little body emerged from the handle of its mother. I can see you now trying to picture this little creature being born from its mother. A fork (or spoon, not sure which is the female,) laying there on the table pushing with all its might and out from the handle pops the head of the spork.

So I stand in honor of the spork and am willing to fight for the rights of the spork. I am starting a group to help fund and pay for the ever growing expenses from constant counseling and mental therapy that these poor defenseless cheap plastic eating tools go through. I shall call it S.P.O.R.C. (Serious People On Real Cutlery). If you would like to make donations please email me at sporc@realutensils.wok. We only take donations in the form of broken plastic for recycling to make more sporks. Thank you for your time.

Just A Few To Ponder Over #3

Before I head off to work I figured I give you a few more to think about.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!)

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

OK, time to head to work. Enjoy

Porkchop Says To Ask Me How I Will Die...

Well instead of asking I figured I would just post what the quiz said would be the way that I die. And I must say it would be a great way to go.

How will I die?
Your Result: You will die while having sex.
Your last moments in this life will be enjoyable indeed...hopefully.
Do not fear sex. Try not to become celibate as a way of escaping death.
You cannot run from destiny

Isn't that a way to go? At least I will be doing what I love and have a smile on my face.

A New Funny Thanks To Porkchop

OK, this is too good not to post. Earlier today I wanted to make a phone call. So after Porkchop and i search high and low for the phone I finally hit the "find" button. Porkchop and I hear the beeping as if it is right next to us. We looked in the dining room where we were standing, no phone. We then looked in the computer room. Again the beeping sounds as if it is right next to us. After searching high and low still no phone. Now to the living room we go. After searching high and low again and no phone, Porkchop and I both look at each other and simultaneously say, "Where the f*** is the phone?!" At that moment our soon to be 3 yr. old son, Buckwheat, comes up to Porkchop pokes at the pouch in her hoodie and says, "Beep Beep Mommy." After inserting her hand into the pocket of her hoodie, Porkchop gets this look on her face that states "OK I'm a dumb ass." She then pulls her hand out of her pouch holding the phone. We both laughed so hard at our 3 minute mission that we both forgot who we were supposed to be calling.

So the moral of this story is... if you are looking for the phone, first check yourself for you may have it already.

Just A Few To Ponder Over #2

1. There are twice as many billionaires in the U.S. today as there were 10 years ago. (Why can't I be one of them?)

2. 1 in 4 people admit to searching in their host’s medicine cabinets. (Won't see much in mine.)

3. 58% of school kids say pizza is their favorite cafeteria food. (That is all we hear from our kids.)

4. 46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons. (No wonder my brother liked to beat me up!)

5. Only about 5% of people dream in color. (I may be 28 but i am still in black and white.)

6. The average American kid catches 6 colds a year, the average kid in daycare catches 10. (Glad we watch our own.)

7. The average American male laughs 69 times a day where the average woman laughs 55 times a day. (See Annie...I told you I have a better sense of humor.)

8. 5% of Americans say they “never” make their beds. (GUILTY!!!!!)

9. The Pentagon uses an average of 666 rolls of toilet paper each day. (I KNEW IT!!! THEY ARE EVIL!!!!)

10. About 8% of the students at the Dunkin Doughnuts training center fail the six week course. (And I bet they couldn't get the holes in the right spots.)

Just A Few To Ponder Over

1. In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That’s where the phrase, “goodnight, sleep tight” came from.

2. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

3. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

4. The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver.”

5. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”

6. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it.

7. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

8. The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan”.

9. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

10. 57% of women would rather go on a shopping spree than have sex.


All true!!!! Yes even number ten.

Ok, The Real Learn About T-bone

OK, where to start. I was born on New Years day during one heck of a snowstorm. The birth almost didn't make it to the hospital due to road conditions and the storm, but we made it there and into a room with a doctor to pull me out, and viola I was a statistic in the population and a new member of the family.

I don't remember much about my first six years except the fact that I had a mother, father, older sister, older brother, and younger sister. My father was ill with cancer and passed away when I was six years old. I do remember bits and pieces of him in my life, but for the most part have to remember him from pictures. He was a funny man most of the time but could be serious when need be. Everyone in my family has told me I am a carbon copy of him, not by looks, but by personality.

My mother remarried two years after my father passed to this older gentleman that looked like he was harboring a giant beach ball in his stomach. It didn't wiggle or jiggle, in fact it didn't move at all. He was a rough man. He had a very poor personality and seemed like he really didn't want anything to do with us kids. As the years progressed, he started to become family oriented, eventually becoming a person who centered everything around his family. I am proud to have called him my step-father. He was the last member of the family to pass away. A freak heart attack took him.

My mother was your normal workaholic. She would be gone all day, but made sure she was home when we came home from school and had our dinner ready. She was a loving woman, always wanted the best for her children. She taught us right from wrong and turned ME into a "goody two shoes" so to speak. My mother developed breast cancer and passed away two years after she was diagnosed.

I finished high school, tried the whole college scene but it didn't work out. So I came back home tried a few jobs and was hired at the best paying company in our small town. I eventually joined the local fire department, became an E.M.T. and started saving lives, all volunteer.

I met my wife in high school. She had a locker right next to mine. I would get to my locker in the morning with the same old routine, open combination lock (while saying combo out loud), grab my books, say hi to friends, then go to home room. Then one day, I came in, went to my locker and the lock had already been removed. Huh? This went on for days. Come to find out it was my future wife removing my lock because she overheard me everyday chanting my combo. This young lady next to me was very attractive and I knew after getting to know her that I wanted to be with her. Of course this never happened till many years after school when she showed up at my house out of the blue (She hit the events right on the head if you go to her blog to find our story. )

All my life I have been a sponge for useless knowledge and facts. The average human head weighs approx. eight pounds, one's arm span is equal to their height, one's eyes are the same size from the time they are born to the time they die, I have many more to tell but I would fill up a whole page. Another useless talent I have is I am able to recite a movie just by watching it once. I would start to recite a movie and my wife would ask, "And how many times have you seen that movie?" And I would reply, "Just once." She gets annoyed when I do it while we are watching a movie.

Well it feels as if I have been typing forever so I will spare you all for a while. Maybe if I feel up to it I will elaborate more on myself. Till then...Enjoy

Ok, The Learn About T-Bone section

I AM T-BONE!!! Ok that's it.

First Post!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! Never Thought I Would Be Doing This!!!!

You can all thank my wife Porkchop for my blog. She has been posting her own for a while now and keeps talking on how she can't believe I haven't started one. Well her wish has been granted. I have been told numerous times by my wife that I am a smart man with the wrong knowledge. Hmmm... how can one be smart with wrong knowledge? Well from what I am told my head is full of useless knowledge that would save the lives of zero people when it comes down to it. Ah yes, I can see it now, hundreds of people awaiting their doom and I can be their savior only if I suggest the correct thing to say. I got it!!!!! I can save people's lives by telling them that it takes eight pounds of pressure to pull one's ear off. YESSSSS!!!!! I have just saved...... NO ONE!!!!!! But they did learn something. Ok I will not bore you any more tonight (or today whichever time you are reading this.) I do certainly hope you will come back for more life saving phrases and maybe to learn more about my life because I do have some stories where I have actually saved some lives too. Till then hope all goes well.



P.S. Please don't go pulling on your ear to try to pull it off, get a fish scale and hook it to a friends ear this way you can make sure it is eight pounds and doesn't hurt you too much.